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29 March 2010 @ 06:48 am
one-shot; gokudera/tsuna  
Title: Speculum
Author: alcedines
Rating: PG
Word count: 740
Author’s Notes: Written for khrfest, prompt TYL Gokudera/TYL Tsuna; reunited after the TYL arc; "I'm back".

Hayato can’t look at Tsuna. It is too easy to draw a coffin around him, to picture the woods where he rested, to see the red that dissolved the white of his shirt.

It is too easy and it frightens him. Frightens him for how easily it could happen again—and how the next time might not be with such forgiving bullets.

Which is why he remains near Tsuna, glares at everyone that comes too close and nearly kills Irie Shouichi the moment he sees the other. But he doesn’t look at Tsuna. Can’t. Not with the memory so fresh in his mind. Not with the haunting edge of knowing it was another joke of fate to have the ground pulled out from under him only to have it restored when he had already fallen. How can one trust it again?

How can he trust him again?

He smokes his way through one carton of cigarettes and is well on his way to finishing the second. Dark smoke curls around him in the closed room. He had cut down in the past after Tsuna voiced his worry that Hayato was smoking too much. He’d stopped smoking in front of Tsuna since then. But he needs it now. Especially with the man he is avoiding standing at the door.

Tsuna coughs and ducks his head. The smoke curls outside, faint brushes of fresh air reaching Hayato. The cigarette dangling from his lips, he leans back on his arms and stares at the ceiling. Tsuna carefully sits beside him. To Hayato’s surprise, Tsuna takes the cigarette from his mouth and inhales deeply from it. He makes a face.

“I will never know what you like about this so much.”

“It calms me.” Tsuna hands it back and Hayato flicks the butt. A little ash falls.


“Why?” He doesn’t clarify his question. He knows Tsuna will understand.

“Because you would never have let me,” Tsuna answers softly.

“Tenth—” Hayato finds his words cut off when Tsuna takes the cigarette again and smashes the tip against the overflowing ceramic plate on the bedside table. Tsuna’s lips are dry and chapped, but Hayato whimpers at the sensations and his hands spasm across Tsuna’s back. It’s rough and desperate and almost painful and when Hayato fans his tongue across Tsuna’s lower lip he tastes tiny beads of blood.

Blood. There had been so much.

Hayato pushes away. “Tenth, I—”

“I’m sorry.” Tsuna doesn’t look at Hayato as he speaks. “I know what I did is unforgivable. I put you through so much pain. I was certain it was the right thing to do. It needed to be done, but the consequences were inexcusable. I’m sorry, Hayato.”

“Tsuna.” He hides his face against Tsuna’s neck and inhales deeply. Tsuna’s hand cards through the silver strands of hair.

“I could hear you sometimes,” Tsuna confesses. “I could hear and I wanted to respond, but I couldn’t.

“But I can now. I’m back,” he says simply. “What happens next is your choice. If you want to remain with me, if you cannot trust me again, it is your decision.”

Hayato can feel Tsuna’s bated breath, can hear the stutter in his heartbeat. There are so many things he can do. So many he wants to. He wants to make Tsuna hurt. He wants to make him atone. There are so many ways to answer.

He brings Tsuna’s face down to his and kisses him violently. There’s a ragged, needy edge to his movements that is mirrored in Tsuna’s actions.

He once said he would follow Tsuna everywhere. He would have given his life for this man and, in so many ways, did. Because it was only with Tsuna that he didn’t feel alone.

As he pulls the other closer, as if trying to erase all the space between them, he feels the threads tying them are frayed. They were severed and their edges are ragged. But he cannot help but believe that they can somehow be repaired. The mark will always remain, a rough scar slashing across, but it’ll be one again.

He has to hope.

Holding Tsuna’s face between his hands, he raises his eyes and actually looks at his boss. Tsuna is pale, eyes feverishly bright. He has no physical scars, but Hayato can see the weight of his decision in the lines around his eyes, how old and how tired they look.

He smiles. “I know.”
yamamotokun80yamamotokun80 on March 29th, 2010 01:54 pm (UTC)
Poor Hayato...
but the ending made it so great...
Alcyone: khr ♠ not interestedalcedines on March 29th, 2010 02:11 pm (UTC)
He gets the short end of the stick too often. *pats him*

Thank you for reviewing!
mochalatt3: 2759- too much lovemochalatt3 on March 29th, 2010 04:39 pm (UTC)
I really like how you showed a different side to this pairing and made it a lot more complex &hearts
Alcyone: khr ♠ not interestedalcedines on March 29th, 2010 05:50 pm (UTC)
Thank you ^^
(Deleted comment)
Alcyone: khr ♠ burnalcedines on March 30th, 2010 02:27 am (UTC)
This was evil and cruel to me and didn't want to be written... Thank you ^_^